When Life Was: NAAAAAAAAAAAH!
July 04, 2019
How y'all doing?
Pretty awesome, right?
Especially ones of you who spent most of your time travelling and going places on vacation.
Must've been great.
Dua bulan terakhir gue mager banget untuk nulis di blog. It feels dusty here already. My workloads are insane, and the pressure feels like a second to none. It's been challenging and painful at the same time. Still enjoying this though, ini nggak ada apa-apanya ketimbang cobaan orang lain, kan? I know someone maybe have it rougher than me, that's why I rarely complaint talking about it.
Dinamika berelasi dengan orang-orang di sekitar gue juga kini cukup pelik. Mungkin penyebabnya adalah kerjaan gue yang cukup banyak. Gue sempat melewatkan beberapa acara 'bonding' yang biasanya gue ikuti. Because one thing or another, gue juga harus merubah strategi self-defense gue. And while at it, gue masih haha hehe goblok karena tidak ada lagi yang lebih menyenangkan daripada menertawakan kekalutan masalah sendiri.
I had a hard time adulting. On every aspect, I guess.
Yang bikin gue masih waras dan yang selama ini menjadi penawar atas segala respon gue terhadap suatu problem yang "Ya Allah, aya-aya wae," mungkin karena gue dikelilingi oleh orang yang sama-sama muak dengan masalah kedewasaan. Yang sama-sama memiliki privilege untuk memilih, tapi bingung setengah mati. Sama-sama memiliki kesulitannya masing-masing untuk mencoba beradaptasi dengan lelucon yang biasa hidup ini bawa di umur-umur mid 20s.
DAN SAMA-SAMA TERJEBAK DENGAN KONYOLNYA KENYATAAN SAMBIL BER-TOLOL-TOLOL RIA MERAYAKAN KEBODOHAN HIDUP BERSAMA.
DAN SAMA-SAMA TERJEBAK DENGAN KONYOLNYA KENYATAAN SAMBIL BER-TOLOL-TOLOL RIA MERAYAKAN KEBODOHAN HIDUP BERSAMA.
Doesn't it feels so nice to be with people that relates to your probs?
I am pretty grateful to work with people that actually connects.
Lagi-lagi gue sadar kalau mungkin rezeki gue tuh, kembali lagi, bukan materi. Even though gue masih pingin banget cepet ngerasain jadi orang kaya.
Terasa banget sih, when something is getting better on one point on my life, there's always one aspect that starting to falling apart.
Is that inevitable?
Oh well...
I guess if God decide to give you everything, mungkin itu nggak akan adil untuk orang lain.
Emang siapa sih yang hidupnya sempurna? There will always be a dent on someone's life. Bahkan kalau gue sudah kaya raya nanti, gue akan masih menjadi besekan rengginang. And nothing's heal. So...what's the point of having a perfect life, right?
Mungkin gue akan achieve apa yang secara ideal gue inginkan kalau gue sudah siap, saat gue sudah dewasa, saat gue sudah pantas.
Dalam span dua bulan ini gue sudah membayangkan yang aneh-aneh. If I was actually depressed, I can't really tell.
It's not that I want to die.
It's not that I want to die.
If anything, of course I still want to live.
I'm just tired of being 'me'.
Someone who can't achieve anything of worth, a privileged individual who could have done so much more with what I had, but instead fell into a spiral of self loathing and ineptitude.
Falling short of these expectation of mine as well as expectations of others, and feeling unimportant and alone at my age might as well be a corporal sin punishable by death.
I probably don't deserve this life.
So I go on saying, "AU AH!"
Then I stumbled upon this interview of my favorite ultimate oshimen aside Ravi here.
Then I stumbled upon this interview of my favorite ultimate oshimen aside Ravi here.
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| All hail, my Lord, Shim Changmin! |
Gue single tapi punya tanggungan.
Gue breadwinner.
I got bills and debts.
I don't know if I could focus on my dreams because I have to provide my family.
So when someone say, "Makannya keluar dari comfort zone lo, jangan manja!" its just hurt so bad. Bukannya gue baperan, but this person may have no idea what I and my family have been through.
If a person is judged by the company they keeps, then I must be doing something right, because look who I'm constantly rolling with for the half year of 2019:
As an adult, I can literally do whatever I want, but most of the time what I want is just to go home.
Nggak tau nih, makin gede makin banyak mau, tapi inginnya di rumah terus, gimana dong?
I wish everyone else are okay with life.
I know it's exhausting and stressful equally as constantly having to support the teams your rivals are playing against because the team you actually support is fucking dog shit with a decent ads compare to ManCity's Puma yang terlihat seperti gembel😊
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