22 Years, And It Wasn't Enough For You?

March 09, 2019

One of my biggest weakness is probably this:

Kapan pun gue gabut dan senganggur itu gue pasti suka bengong, pikiran gue hobinya merenungi tons of things yang seharusnya nggak perlu direnungi, yang selalu pada akhirnya berlabuh ke more and more insecurities. I have this spacing out as an issue in my daily life, I guess…

Masalah dari perenungan itu yang masih mengganggu gue lagi-lagi seputaran ini:

Is what am I currently doing right now is my actual destiny? Am I on a right track? Is this God's answer to my all of my prayers? Am I actually succeed?

I believe some of my friends will probably only roll their eyes because I still can’t get over this.

Pen-trigger utamanya gini, gue keinget dulu dapet kabar kalau salah satu adek temen gue mau ngedrop ITB setelah setaun TPB demi banting setir dan nurutin passion dia di fotografi, jadi ya dia semacam sekolah fashion photography di only-God-knows-where, intinya pokoknya gitu deh. Dia memutuskan buat hidup kedepannya memperjuangkan passion dia. It dropped my jaw, literally. Gue terheran-heran macam: “Gila ini orang berani banget,” “Ini ortunya kok bisa ngasih,” dan sebagainya. Tapi yang paling penting gue sangat sangat salut sama dia dan…..sangat sangat iri. Iri gimana dia dengan beraninya dan dengan pertimbangan-pertimbangan yang pasti banyak banget pada akhirnya memilih mengorbankan ego-titel ST dan sebagainya demi passion dia, meanwhile gue saat menempuh kuliah S1 di bidang ekonomi sejujurnya kadang merasa berada di tempat yang salah.

It hit me pretty bad actually, kepikiran mulu jadinya lagi-lagi tentang gue dan cita-cita nggak kesampean gue buat jadi jurnalis atau bahkan sekedar penulis. When I was on college, I even kinda stop writing. Waktu itu gue sampai bener-bener lupa kapan terakhir menghasilkan tulisan yang proper, karena beberapa semester kebelakang memang sudah berhenti, gue sudah repot sama kuliah. Padahal dulu pas semester-semester awal, gue masih sempet bikin flash fiction, tapi saat itu nggak sama sekali. I hate how my life bailed on my old self.

And this is my old tumblr post tahun 2016 pas gue merasa kalau gue berada di jurusan yang salah. Saat gue merasa ekonomi bukan bidang yang gue suka. I realized I'm not passionate about it:
I let myself neglect all these things about writing and reading. Satu-satunya usaha gue buat tetep baca ya cuma rereading the same poems and my favorite book yang udah gue baca at least 5x, yang sifatnya cuma sebagai pengingat kecintaan gue dengan kata-kata, but I know it won’t get me anywhere. It will take time but I guess I need to start to get back on writing before that part of me shut down completely. Dibilang kurang waktu sebenernya nggak terlalu, ya buktinya pas liburan kemaren gue cuma bengong, nonton drama, baca webtoon, main hape. The biggest enemy is my mager self, hahaha. Ya meskipun bentar lagi masuk semester 7, kuliah sudah hampir selesai. Harus fokus lagi biar cepet lulus dan segera keluar dari bilik penjara ini. Berarti semua energi yang on fire tentang menulis ini tetep harus disimpen sampe selesai skripsi dan sidang. *antiklimaks*

-Sandy. 25 Agustus 2016.



Years passed since then and this is where I am now.


See how life floats me through shit and how I ended up here?
Be careful of what you dream of, folks. HAHA.

I'm happy to do something that I love for a living. Ilmu ekonomi gue cukup terpakai dengan bekerja di tempat gue sekarang, dan yang paling membahagiakan adalah gue MENULIS, one of the best things that keeps me alive.

And today, my heart drops. 
I feel kinda sucks.
Because probably those achievement wasn't enough, although it makes me happy, my parents unfortunately not on the same side as I am. As I was told to try new things, something else. 

The fuck? 

The hell is this?

My heart is racing. I feel sad. I'm disappointed because everything that makes me happy with doing something that I love turns out to be a disappointment, for some people. 



For 22 years, I let them to pace the way I live, even try to controls my future (Gak sekalian aja gitu cariin gue jodoh? Urusin pernikahan gue dan pikirin sekolah anak-anak gue nanti?)
I said "Yes" to everything they told me.
I always told to living the way they wanted, not mine.
For 22 fucking years.
Also all of those years, have you guys ever wonder if I'm actually happy?
Have it ever crossed your mind while you choking your words into my throat?
Gue sebagai anak selalu mendengarkan apa yang mereka mau,
tapi apa mereka pernah ingin tau, mendengarkan apa yang sebenernya gue mau?

Until last year, I never do what I want to do. I didn't dream what I want to dream about.

Masalahnya, gue selalu ngerasa gue harus membayar segalanya yang telah mereka lakukan untuk gue dengan menjadi sesuatu/seseorang yang mereka inginkan. Gue sebenernya juga nggak tau sih sebenernya mereka ingin lihat anaknya sukses atau jadi orang yang bahagia, or both.

Setelah lulus, gue depresi.
Depresi, tapi tidak putus asa.

Gue mencoba peruntungan untuk nyari kerja di bidang yang relevan dengan gelar yang gue punya, and it was close to zero. Tapi dengan pengalaman menulis yang gue punya, yang seenggaknya gue CAPABLE, and I have CONFIDENCE sama apa yang gue lakukan selama ini di dunia sastrawi-jurnalistik dimana gue mempelajarinya secara otodidak, I ended up here. As a writer.

As long as I can remember, they've been so sooo supportive about everything, except about my educational decision and process. Selain itu, gue juga nggak pernah dilarang-larang mencoba hal baru. Asalkan gue senang dan enjoy, tapi tau konsekuensinya apa, katanya. Does it sound like heaven? Especially the last one? 

But then slowly, they may have forgotten about that asalkan-kamu-senang-dan-enjoy thingy.  The world and people around them may have made them forget.

After 22 years of being told what to do, I choose the path I've always wanted to try.

I got the job that I've been dreaming of, I accomplished some of my personal dreams, I can entirely provide myself a meal, dan pekerjaan yang gue lakukan sekarang nggak hanya membawa kekalutan tapi juga kebahagiaan. I feel alive and happy more than ever until they crushed me back to go down the road that they always wanted: Jadi PNS.

 Karena buat apa kerja kalau gaji nggak gede :p
Jabatan mentereng yang menjanjikan :p
Tunjangan sana sini :p
Yang bisa dipamerin ke seluruh dunia :p
Punya pensiunan :p
Pokoknya kalau mau sukses jadilah PNS, jangan jadi penulis katrok dengan bayaran yang cupu :p

 Yang bikin gue heran, kenapa ngomongya enteng banget...

Like what I've been doing means nothing.
Like what I've been dreaming of wasn't the normalcy they always stand for.
Like I was never enough.
Like the fact of my self being happy and successful in the way that I am today was a disappointment.

I feel unappreciated.
Gue sedih.
Gue kecewa.
Gue merasa gagal. 

 Iya dah, gue mungkin satu-satunya downfall di keluarga ini. Semua orang sukses gue doang yang nggak :p

I think I get it. Semua orangtua pasti ingin yang terbaik untuk anaknya. They clothed us, they feed us, and sometimes they gave up on their own dreams for us; not for nothing. Tapi bukan untuk jadi penulis. I KNOW I'M PISSED AND FUCKING IRRITATED.

 I am thankful for them like I always do, tapi pernah nggak sih mereka bertanya-tanya if their decision actually makes their children happy? Are you guys happy? Because I don't think I am :')

No. 
I'm not trying to rip their dream apart or anything.
But I won't giving up on my dream either.
I'm just sad at this moment.
Like SUPER SAD.
AND USELESS.
Because I feel like that I'm not allowed to do something that I love, I'm not allowed to live.

 I'm not brokenhearted because some random guy who I fell in love with, and unsurprisingly-eventually break my heart. This is my own parents, who used to be supportive (at least that I remember), trying to hold my self back from my dreams. 

Sumpah gue iri banget sama orangtua yang percaya sama keputusan anak-anaknya, yang mengerti kalau materi bukan segalanya, kalau ada lebih dari sejuta cara untuk sukses, kalau nge-disgrace orang dari pekerjaannya itu buruk, kalau masih ngeliat anaknya 'hidup' itu masih syukur. 

I thought 22 years was enough.

For someone who decide to care, for someone who on the same place with me right now and actually feels the same pain as I do, please give a try to listen to this and don't forget to turn the cc on. Let's just cry the fuck down together while it hit us home.

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