Deported Minds

Because of those fuckery that happened, it got me thinking if I actually good enough, as person, as a human being.

If I'm being too much.

Or too less.

Or choosing to be a keeper instead of a giver.

Maybe some of you never had to be the "good-child" in hopes of lessening your parent's problems which ultimately lead to buried feelings, inability to express emotions, wanting to please everyone, inability to handle the tiniest bit of confrontation and criticism.

For years I always think that its my responsibility to keep everything together. And that sometimes it led me to a crippling insecurity that I will never good enough. *sigh* And it makes me 'sometimes' feel guilty about myself. Lmao.

Actually I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about things. Sometimes it’s over specific failures, like when I lost my temper, chose to prioritize doing nothing over meeting some deadlines. More often, it’s not that there’s something I particularly regret so much as that I can’t shake the idea that I’m just not doing as well as I should.

Sometimes I felt so...soooo damn sorry for the most of time that I spent in silence, and giving the undeserved person a cold shoulder. 

I don't know if I’m done trying to be a good person. I feel like sometimes I'm so done about being nice to people when all I got just a lot of heartbreak in return. Yes, I count everything.

Little did I know, focusing on goodness as an end goal is totally unhelpful, HAHA, bitch, too late. The concept of goodness is much too vast and vague for me to be able to bring it into focus. It ends up being a surefire recipe for burnout to keep telling myself, “You need to try harder to be a good person!”

After all, what does it even mean to be a good person?

It means different things in different situations.
It means BIG things like not stealing or killing, and little things like keeping calm and being patient. When most of the time I’m not presented with the choice of whether I’d like to steal something or kill somebody, so I don’t get credit for not doing it. But I get credit for making the right choice out of whatever options are in front of me.

Oh, yeah, forget 'goodness'. I need to put my efforts into being more gentle when I’m anxious, or into not jumping to conclusions when I’m insecure.

Someone once said to me this:

Jangan berjanji ketika kamu bahagia
Jangan menjawab jika kamu marah
Jangan mengambil keputusan ketika kamu sedih

That sort of self-improvement is manageable, and although there’ll be ups and downs, you will still ideally be able to see whether you’ve made any progress, so it’s less likely to lead to burnout.

When I was daunted by the sheer number of sins I knew I’d committed, most of which I couldn’t even remember, my closest friends reminded me the best advice she’d ever gotten about how to make a good confession. 

So I’m trying to catch myself when I use that word good. If I can’t even figure out what I mean by it, I get some sleep and that usually solves the problem. If I’m able to use a more specific word, then, at least, my work is cut out for me. Either way, nothing is going to change unless I can call the problem by its real name.

All of this helps me relax a bit. I’d like to become better in every single area of my life, but that change doesn’t have to come all in the space of a week. Maybe I have to go slow, and chip away at a few goals at a time than try to do everything at once, and end up with nothing to show for it.

Aside of the turbulence and shit that I've been through for the past two month, last week, finally...FINALLY, I was able to watch Crush, live, on the most suck and shittiest festival that goes by the other name of LALALA FESTIVAL 2019.

Been a fan of his crafts since 2014, and to witnessing his presence live on my home country is truly a blessing :')

Dan akhir Februari ini juga gue akhirnya memutuskan untuk beli handphone baru. 

Inalillahi Wa'inailaihi Rojiun, telah berpulang ke rahmatullah duitku yang sudah kutabung dengan susah payah. Semoga tenang di alam sana. 

Amiiiin.