A Fight That Nobody Wants To Have
December 19, 2017
I feel devasted.
Sad.
Broken.
Kaget.
Lemes.
Bingung.
Hollow, you name it.
I still think that the moment when I get informed after maghrib yesterday was unreal. I didn't have someone to share the sorrow in real life. I continued life, trying to act like nothing happened. Lalu tanpa sadar semua kegitan gue terhenti, I can't function properly as the memories were climb back into my head, and it hurts. When I got back of myself and all alone, I
couldn't show I was sad. The internal storm was intense.
Then the news broke for the 2nd time, now this came from the officials.
He's gone, forever.
Tapi alasannya apa?
You're not the only one who's having a hard time! Why did you have to took your life? You have tons of people on your back! You know it, right? I think they love you a lot and always make sure that you know that you're loved! THEN W H fucking Y?
You're not the only one who's having a hard time! Why did you have to took your life? You have tons of people on your back! You know it, right? I think they love you a lot and always make sure that you know that you're loved! THEN W H fucking Y?
Knowing someone who looked shining on screen battled a
neverending fight with himself is still saddening. It's a fight nobody wants to
have. I don't know how to feel. He was such a great artist.
In the end of the day, he let his guards down and no one picked it up back for him. He let that demon in and lead everything to a sad farewell.
To be honest, this thing made me look through my own life.
Kemaren pas skripsi gue bermasalah, because one thing and another; ditolak, gue masih kayak
haha hihi aja di kampus cengengesan tapi mostly orang-orang gak pernah tau gimana gue rombak lagi itu skripsi dari A-Z
dalam waktu singkat. Man, the pressure and the stress is the second to none. Like, nyet, I need to fix basically the whole thing.
Terus selama masa-masa itu I want to give up, a lot. I never tell my friends about what I feel, I won't spread negativity among us, also my parents, I don't want to make they worried about me. I was so depressed and suffered mentally. But then I stumbled onto one of Jay's interview that saved my life. He literally saved my life.
I don't like talking or ranting about my negative and sad thoughts. Gue, seumur hidup gak pernah menye-menye curhat sama orang lain. I keep everything to myself. ALWAYS. I know this is so wrong but then I realized this thing also so dangerous. Sebenernya temen gue itu banyak banget. BANYAK. But I don't know why, I always felt so alone
when I'm sad and mad. Gue gak mau kalo cerita terus di-"Apaansih?" I just hate
it when someone not took that seriously, so I guess that's why I always keep
everything to myself and with God, and God only.
Deep down there I felt sorry for myself too.
I really do.
Deep down there I felt sorry for myself too.
I really do.
Few friends always come to me when they need a comfort. Maybe because I known as the best listener, I'm all ears. I can always make a time for a call, for a deep thoughts conversation, I enjoyed other's story more than anyone, and I became very affectionate when someone need me. They said I'm just comfortable to reach when they had a hard time. Crazy right? Kenapa gue gak bisa melakukan hal sebaliknya saat gue butuh. To be honest, I'm still questioning myself even now, today, while I type this.
"You’re not the only one having a hard time." This saying, for me, the worst way to comfort someone, and I said this a lot... When I lost too... Those words create almost as many problems as they
solve, at least for me.
Don't you want to have someone to pat your back and your head?
Don't you want to have someone who you can borrow their shoulder to lean on to?
Don't you want to have someone to be all bare and share everything with?
The sad thing is, di negara ini tuh depresi, stres, atau semua
yang berhubungan sama mental gitu dianggap lebay dan norak. "Lo kurang beribadah
sih" atau "Lo gak ngedeketin diri sama Tuhan sih." Jadi orang-orang depresi tuh bukannya makin baik mentalnya, malah makin
depresi.
Not forget the nature to appreciate someone's work here is very minimal. There's no concrete saying in our language, di Bahasa Indonesia, yang bermakna "You've worked hard" atau dalam bahasa Korea "고생했다". Beneran ada gak sih? Ujung-ujungnya ya mungkin "Terima kasih," which is yang paling minimal, disaat kedua kalimat lain yang sudah disebutkan tadi memang bermakna untuk menghargai kerja keras seseorang. Mungkin bakal aneh banget ya kalo orang Indonesia ngomong gitu? Meanwhile
orang Korea/Jepang defaultnya sudah disediakan dari bahasanya untuk
ekspresi-ekspresi kayak gitu. But hey, saying that you are thankful or just saying that in regards of manner, it can means a lot for someone else. It was funny. It’s amazing how I managed to reach up to this
point. What else can I say? Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that I’ve
worked hard, that I did a good job. That I went through so much... (BUT WHAT IF
I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE THAT I SUFFERED) (YEAH)
Lalu gue sekali mencoba cerita di twitter, and this is definitely not a pity party, I just want to say something that been lingering on my head despite how it resolved now. I never imagine the reaction that I'll get, bahkan gue gak berharap dapet reaksi apa-apa. But then some hitting on my mention tab, calling me on DM and sent me a chat. Kayak, wow, I lost words. Just unexplainable sadness and a great feeling of gratefulness that I met these amazing people in my life... Why do I always felt alone when I have them? Seriously? Where I have been?
Life can be harsh sometimes that foster madness. But in walks of life, all the praises and attacks from the critics and peers whittle away at hope and rationale. Please, if you are feeling depressed, do something about it. Reach out to someone trustworthy or get out of the environtment that you are in. The claustrophobia, in a worst case, can drill a suicidal thoughts into your skull. Ask for help. Me, you, us, need to fix this. Don't give up.
I think we can all understand the sense of isolation, but for anyone who cares to read, you're not alone. Whoever you are, if you need someone, you can slide into my DM or simply chat me, really, I want to help if you need it.
As much as corny how it sounds, let's not pretend it, It's okay to say that you're not okay.
Rest in Peace, Kim Jonghyun. I spent 1/3 of my whole life listening to your voice, music and craft. I learned a lot from you too. Have an easy, peaceful rest. I promise to be recovered quickly and grasp into the reality, even if its hard, its hard for all of us.
Rest in Peace, Kim Jonghyun. I spent 1/3 of my whole life listening to your voice, music and craft. I learned a lot from you too. Have an easy, peaceful rest. I promise to be recovered quickly and grasp into the reality, even if its hard, its hard for all of us.
But this is how I let you go, my youth...
I remember watching AGT2 clip of The Sacred Riana on the other day. She asked Jay what's his biggest fear. His answer was "UNHAPPINESS." These people like Jay, also dozens celebrity out there have them all. Money, fame, golds, foreign cars, basically poppin' bottles wherever they are, but they seem always in constant search of happiness, just like anyone of us.
In case of no one ever said this to you, then lemme do it:
YOU'VE WORKED HARD! Maybe harder that anyone else. No matter how the result is, you did well, that's enough! Thank you for working hard so please take care always, eat a lot, be healthy! Now take a rest, sleep well, when you wake up tomorrow, you can try again.
I remember watching AGT2 clip of The Sacred Riana on the other day. She asked Jay what's his biggest fear. His answer was "UNHAPPINESS." These people like Jay, also dozens celebrity out there have them all. Money, fame, golds, foreign cars, basically poppin' bottles wherever they are, but they seem always in constant search of happiness, just like anyone of us.
In case of no one ever said this to you, then lemme do it:
YOU'VE WORKED HARD! Maybe harder that anyone else. No matter how the result is, you did well, that's enough! Thank you for working hard so please take care always, eat a lot, be healthy! Now take a rest, sleep well, when you wake up tomorrow, you can try again.
"I want to pat you on the head
You worked hard today as well
Let’s go somewhere this weekend
But for now, close your eyes and lean on my arms"
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